The 6 Unspoken Don'ts of a Milonga

Milonga Margherita, Napoli

While Argentine tango can be a life enriching activity, going to a milonga can bring about its’ own set of frustrations. Many of those new to the dance are quick to acquire info about how to behave at a milonga together with some all important rules. But I believe that what not to do is as important and in many ways will help you maintain your dance/life/sanity balance.

1/ Don’t judge a book by it’s cover

We’ve all been there at one time or another. And yes, I’m guilty as charged, too. Of judging potential dance partners. Too tall, too small, too old (YES, agism is rife!), bad outfit, wrong shoes. Or, you simply haven’t seen that person around. What if they are a horrible dancer. You don’t want to be seen with one of those. What would everyone else think. You are far too superior…Well, you might be robbing yourself of a good, or at least a new experience. And that’s what tango is about. Acquiring experiences with as many partners as possible. Years ago, in Buenos Aires a friend of mine (wonderful dancer BTW) told me that at every milonga he goes to, he makes a point of dancing with at least one follower he’s never danced with before. So next time you make assumptions, challenge yourself and take that extra step. You might be pleasantly surprised. Or not. But unless you try, you’ll never know.

2/ Don’t show off

You go to classes, or even masterclasses with famous maestros. Of course you want to show off your skills. Isn’t that the point? Well, not at the expense of everyone else on the dance floor. That new combination with extra high boleos does take up a huge amount of space. But what's the problem? There’s a lot of space around you anyway. And you know why? No, it’s not because everyone is in awe of you and your dancing. It's because people are scared of getting injured by you and your partner! They are waiting for you to get off the floor. Or at least to move on so there’s a buffer between you and them. Don’t be one of those dancers. Be respectful of others. There is a time and space to try out the step combination sequences. Maybe in a modified, minimised format. And certainly not at a packed milonga.

3/ Don’t dwell on your expectations

So youŕe having a great day, you’re all dolled up, feeling fabulous, great about yourself. It’s time to hit the Milonga. Better take 2 pairs of shoes. You might want to swap halfway through as you will be doing sooooo much dancing. You turn up. The atmosphere is great and you see a few familiar faces. X always asks you to dance, OOOh and Y is a great milonga dancer, you also dance with Z every time. You greet everyone before finding a nice seat with a good view of the dance floor and potential dance partners. You get a drink and make yourself comfortable. Here comes the cortina. Brilliant! You're ready to dance. And…..no cabeceo, no one  looking your way. OK, no problem. You’re still full of energy, watching  the dancing crowd. Here comes the cortina. The floor empties. AAAh, now comes the the tango valse. Great! Now someone will definitely look your way. You’re a great dancer after all. But nothing. Again. After tanda number 4 you feel the colour leaving your cheeks, your smile turning into an unmistakable frown, your energy sagging and your whole body emitting an aura of negativity. What is happening? Well, chances are…absolutely nothing is happening. And this is how it generally goes.One day youŕe having a fabulous milonga experience. Next time… nothing. You are actually considering giving up tango altogether. Is something wrong with you? No. You are simply experiencing something that most everyone does at one time or another. ( And I am not even mentioning the 100 reasons why he/she doesn’t dance with me). The truth is, you will never find out why some people don’t dance with you or why some people have stopped dancing with you. There’s nothing you can do about it. But you can do one thing. Leave your expectations at home. So what? If you’re on a bad milonga wave, just chill. Have a drink. Have a chat with someone. Listen to the music. Watch the dancing. There’s always another time, another place…

4/ Don’t punch above your weight….or do but at your own expense

Having taken classes for some time now, you’ve plucked up the courage to go to your first ever milonga. You’ve practiced at practicas and danced with fellow classmates and your tango teacher after all. You’ve learned all the milonga codigos  (or so you think) received some advice and off you go. What can possibly go wrong? Now while I strongly advocate for an all inclusive Argentine tango experience for all dancers at a milonga, I believe newbies must hear a few words of caution. And these apply to leaders and followers alike, albeit in slightly different ways. New leaders often complain about followers avoiding them. Well, let me explain: While many followers would not reject an unknown partner outright, some might. The reasons are usually twofold. They have no idea what his leading skills are like and don’t want to be seen “lowering their standards” on the dance floor. (Although a good follower will make any leader look good and that’s a skill in itself). Or, and yes this is me, don’t want to spend a whole four songs of a tanda walking around the dance floor with the odd backward ocho thrown in. But, you might ask, how will the leader learn otherwise? Just be a little analytical about who you dance with. It might be as simple as sitting the first two songs of a tanda out before asking anyone for a dance. This will give both parties a peace of mind about how long you will spend on the dance floor if you realise that this partner isn’t really for you. The same applies to new followers. Don’t throw yourself at the fanciest dancers . Again, a good leader will realise a lack of experience and lead you in a way to make you look good and comfortable. Unfortunately, you might also end up with someone who will throw you around thinking they will demonstrate their skills to you without any consideration for your comfort making you feel completely exasperated and ready to give up on any potential progress altogether.

5/ Don’t give unwanted tips

    Does this need to be said? I guess it does. Do not teach anyone at a milonga. Do not give pointers. And this doesn’t just concern dancing. Years ago I was asked to dance at a milonga in London by someone who had definitely seen me around and must have noticed my preference for high heels. After the dance he decided to discreetly give me some “valuable” advice. “At your height you should be wearing lower heels.” Need I say more?

6/ Don’t buy into the tango hierarchy

   If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.

   Once upon a time, many years ago, when the popularity of Argentine tango was in its’ infancy groups of people would gather at makeshift milongas . Someone would bring a CD player (YES, that’s how long ago this was), people would turn up and everyone would dance with everyone. People had fun and they went home happy.

Fast forward 20 years. Things have changed. Many people dance Argentine tango now and among them tango DJs, tango teachers, milonga organisers…And it’s these groups that seem to be somehow superior to others. This creates a hierarchy where the upper echelons (the who’s who of tango) only dance together and completely ignore the “ commoners”. Of course I also know milongas where the hosts are really attentive and mingle with everyone. But I’ve noticed that the tango hierarchy tends to be pretty much omnipresent. What can you as a mere dancer and milonga attendee do about it? Unfortunately nothing much. But you don’t have to buy into it. Maybe one day you yourself will become a tango celebrity. But remember, without the common dancers, the teachers will have no-one to teach, the DJs no-one to play for, the milonga organisers would have no-one to pay admission for the milonga venues.

Still ready to venture out? Of course you are! But remember that Argentine tango isn't only about technique. It's also about social interaction and state of mind. In any case, be yourself and don't forget to have fun.

Regina Hofmanova is a choreographer, movement director, filmmaker, multimedia artist and Argentine tango dancer/choreographer.

www.reginahofmanova.com